


Eric Bittle Helps His Boyfriend Jack Off A Horse

by WhydYouMakeHotNoodlesOnSuchAHotDay



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Birthday, Comedy, Horseback Riding, Horses, Kent Parson's Cat - Freeform, Kit Purrson - Freeform, M/M, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-07-12 20:55:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16003133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhydYouMakeHotNoodlesOnSuchAHotDay/pseuds/WhydYouMakeHotNoodlesOnSuchAHotDay
Summary: Jack took a horseback riding lesson for his birthday, but never learned how to stop or dismount, so now he's stuck on top of a horse.





	Eric Bittle Helps His Boyfriend Jack Off A Horse

1.

The horse was an American Paint Horse that Samwell Stables provided for rides. It was a gray August morn, and Jack was learning to ride a horse as a birthday present from Bitty. Jack was sitting on top of the horse as Shirley, the coach, was teaching Jack the basics of horse riding. Shirley talked about grooming, putting on the saddle, how to get on, how to "walk", and now she was explaining the rate structure of renting horses and generally trying to upsell Bitty and Jack on what was supposed to be a one time thing. Jack sat on the horse, listening, while Bitty stood to the side and watched, enjoying the gentle scent of horse manure that floated on the breeze.

"We have the gentlest, nicest horses you could ever imagine, and at a reasonable price, too, and-- hold on." Shirley answered her phone. "I WHAT!?! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!" She turned to Jack and Bitty. "I won the lottery! No more of these fucking stubborn-ass beasts. I'm going home."

"But we're still going to finish today's lesson, right?" said Bitty.

Shirley looked at Bitty. She slowly walked backward to her car, entered it, and drove off.

"Gosh," said Bitty.

"Uh, how do I get off," said Jack. The horse started walking forward and kept walking forward. "Bitty, how do I make it stop?"

"I don't know," said Bitty. "I've never dealt with horses before." 

Bitty looked around for help, but Shirley was the only one working there. Bitty had found out about Samwell Stables on Craigslist, and the name seemed official enough even though the ad was riddled with errors of spelling, grammar, and punctuation. 

"Help!" said Jack as the horse walked through an opening in the wooden fence and slowly strolled off the property. 

Bitty furrowed his brow in determination. 

It was up to him to help Jack off the horse.

* * *

2\. 

After returning home, Bitty sat down at his desk and took out his laptop. He then pushed his laptop to the side and took out a legal pad and a No.2 pencil and started making a list of people to call, David Farenthold-style. On the top he wrote in big capital letters, "HOW TO HELP JACK OFF THE HORSE". Bitty bit his pencil. He then made two columns with lists of names and numbers. 

First, Bitty called Shirley, their horse-riding coach. 

"Hi, Shirley, this is Eric Bittle, we talked this morning, and--" She hung up. He tried again, but he couldn't get through.

Bitty made his second call. "Hi, Pastor Schmidt. I realize I haven't attended services in a while, and to be honest I was really upset when you compared being gay with bestiality, but that's in the past, and I seem to remember that horse riding is a big hobby of yours, and I am need of your wisdom. So Pastor, how would I help my boyfriend Jack off a horse? Hello?" The pastor had hung up. 

Next was Jack. "Hi, Jack. Uh, okay, I just realized I inadvertently put you on my list of people to call to help you get off that horse. Are you still on that horse?"

"Yes, Bits."

"You... wouldn't happen to know how to get off that horse, would you?"

"No, I do not, Bits."

"Can you at least steer?"

"I think so."

"Can you just keep the horse moving in a circle?"

"It doesn't want to do that."

"Well, where are you now?"

"I'm in a parade for International Beer Day in West Samwell. The horse just joined in, and no one said anything."

"So that's what that noise was on your end. Well, good luck. I'll get help for you, and then... oh, gosh!" Bitty just realized there was going to be a surprise birthday party that evening for Jack. "I mean, it's no big deal. It's not like there's anything that you'll miss."

"What?"

"I mean, I'll send help soon. Good luck!"

"Thanks, Bits."

Next, he called Shitty. "Hey, Shitty. So I'm wondering how to help Jack off a horse."

"Bitty, if this is some kind of prank call, I really don't have the time. I'm up to my butthole in cases I got to read for class."

"No, no, Shitty, this is serious. Jack is stuck on a horse and we don't know how to stop it because the horse riding coach suddenly found out she won the lottery and abandoned us, and so the horse is just wandering through Samwell County with Jack on top."

Shitty let out an exasperated sigh. "Bitty, I'm not saying I don't believe you, but... Look, Bitty? Are you calling because of some embarrassing sexual misadventure? It can't be a sex swing from a ceiling fan, we know from our collective experience that ceiling fans aren't that strong. Did you somehow get stuck on the roof? Is this your way of asking me for a ladder?"

"Huh? A ladder isn't going to work if the horse keeps moving, Shitty. Don't you think I haven't thought of that?"

"Um, okay..." Shitty was starting to think that this might actually be happening. "Did you try calling the horse trainer?"

"Yes, but she hung up on me."

"Let me try," said Shitty. Bitty provided Shitty with the number. Shitty ended his call, and ten minutes later, Shitty called back.

"So I told her I was a friend of yours in the legal discipline, and that she was possibly inadvertently violating certain tax reporting requirements for stable owners. That got her attention, so I asked her some questions. She told me her stable had just two horses, whose names are Everywhere and Your Mother. Each apparently has a different code word to get it to stop. 'Whoa' I guess wasn't creative enough. Anyway, if you want to help Jack off Your Mother, you say 'Wee!'"

"Mr. Zimmermann would never in a million years say 'Wee.'"

"Well he will if he wants to get off that horse. As for the other horse, if you want to help Jack off Everywhere, you say 'Eat my ass, bitch!' And I should mention that this does mean *you*, Bitty. *You* have to say it, within earshot of the horse, and you have to be on a different horse when you say it."

"Yeah, I'm going to have to double check this," said Bitty.

"Please do! I realize it sounds absurd," said Shitty, "but I am one hundred percent serious. Anyway, fare thee well and good luck, and see you at the party."

They ended their call, and Bitty called Shirley one more time.

"Hi, this is Eric Bittle, and--"

"Eat my ass bitch."

"What?"

"Eat my ass, bitch."

"Thank you for your help, ma’am. Could you provide more details--" She hung up.

Bitty called Jack again. "Hi, Jack. So apparently Shirley had two horses. For one of them, named Your Mother, you say 'Wee!' to make it stop. For the other, named Everywhere, I need to be there to say, quote, eat my ass, bitch, and I need to be saying it from on top of another horse. So before I head over there, could you at least try saying 'Wee!'?"

"No. Let's try the other thing first," said Jack. 

"What? Why won't you say 'Wee'?"

"Like I said, I'm in the middle of a parade, and there are cameras everywhere. I have a reputation to uphold."

"How long is the parade?"

"I don't know, maybe an hour? How about I try saying that word after the parade, and I'll call you and let you know if it worked."

"All right, you do that, Jack. Anyway, I'm going for a run. Have fun at your parade."

* * *

3\. 

Bitty went for a run on Samwell University campus. He got drenched in sweat and went to the gym to shower off. The gym was empty except for reverberating echoes. Bitty was taking a shower, facing the showerhead and feeling the droplets of the warm spray on his face, when he heard a voice. 

"So I heard what happened with Jack." 

Bitty turned around. "Kent!" he said. 

Kent Parson was standing there in a towel, which he then took off. Bitty felt anger toward Kent. He didn't want that cute face and slim athletic build within 50 miles of Jack. "That situation with that horse must be pretty stressful," said Kent. "Want a massage?"

Bitty was as curious as he was angry, and he wanted to know what kind of massages Kent gave Jack. "Sure, Kent."

Kent walked up to Bitty. "Turn around," Kent said. Bitty turned, and Kent started rubbing his neck and shoulders in smooth, circular motions. Kent's arms were strong and seemed to understand the strength of Bitty's muscles. 

"Oh yeah," groaned Bitty, closing his eyes. 

"You like that, Bitty?"

"Yeah, Kent."

Kent stopped. "You know what would make this better?" he said. "If your body were braced up against something. I’m thinking that if you brace your back up against my front, then I can wrap my arms around you and massage your chest."

"That seems logical," said Bitty. Kent wrapped his arms around Bitty, his chest pressed up against Bitty’s back, and his pelvis pressed up against Bitty’s butt. Kent rubbed his hands all over Bitty's pecs and abs.

"You like that, Bitty?"

"Yeah, Kent," Bitty whispered. 

"You like that, huh, Bitty?"

"Yes, I do, Kent."

"Jack’s up on that fucking horse, isn’t he."

"Oh, yes he is."

"And he’s not getting down until you decide to get him, huh, Bittle."

"Oh, no he isn’t."

Droplets of water bounced off their skin. Bitty breathed in steam and Kent's scent. 

"You know one thing that would make things perfect right now, Bitty?" Kent grinned devilishly.

"Mmmm, what Kent?"

"One thing that would feel *so* good right now."

"Oh, what is it, Kent?"

"Catsit my cat, Bitty. It would be a massive relief for me, I got people to meet. And in return I'll connect you with my personal Samwell-area horse trainer, Jorge."

"I'll catsit your cat, Kent."

"You gonna catsit my cat, Bitty?"

"Yeah, I'll catsit your fucking cat, Kent."

"I'll text you the details." Kent stepped back, lowering his arms to Bitty's hips, then slapped Bitty's shoulder as he left. 

Bitty just stood there, the shower still running. He was hard, ahem, hard at work trying to figure out how to get Jack off of that horse. 

* * *

4.

Bitty woke up, dazed and a little confused. He was lying on the green sofa in the Haus. _I took a nap_ , he remembered. He wiped some drool from the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand. He stretched his arms. He started to sit up, and then he saw her. 

Kit Purrson, Kent's cat, sleeping on his chest. 

She was a Maine Coon, a big floofy cat with black and brown coloring. Bitty didn't want to move the kitty, but sometimes things just need to get done. He started to sit up. The cat shifted! He laid back down. He reached his hand into his left pocket to pull out his phone, but it slid out of his pocket and hit the floor. Kit Purrson didn't budge. He couldn't reach it, so with his free left foot he scooped an emptyish beer can out from under the couch and used the can to push his phone closer to where he could reach it. As he reached, Kit Purrson dug her claws into Bitty's T-shirt-clad chest. Bitty winced. Finally, with more subtle motions, he succeeded in getting his phone without antagonizing Kit, and he called Kent.

"Hi Kent. This might sound strange, but I think I’m trapped under your cat. How do you get her off?"

"That is most unfortunate," Kent said. "She usually just does whatever I say. Sorry, I can’t help you."

"Okay, well thanks anyway," Bitty said. 

"Mwhehehe."

"Pardon me?"

"Mwehehahaha. MwhahaHAHA HA!!! MwhaHAHA HA Ha HA—"

Kent’s maniacal laughter was getting weird, so Bitty hung up. Next, Bitty called Jack. 

"Hi, Jack, uh, how are things."

"Still on the horse, Bits," Jack said, feeling a little hoarse. "A little while ago the horse walked into the Samwell Museum of Fine Arts. It wandered around and left. Nobody stopped us."

"Did you ask anyone for help, Jack?"

"I have a reputation to uphold."

Bitty sighed. "Look, I'm sorry I haven't helped you, yet, I've just been busy," said Bitty. "I talked to Kent earlier, and--"

"What?!?"

"I mean, I happened to run into him earlier, um, after jogging. I guess he's in town for some reason. Anyway, he offered me contact information about a horse trainer he knew, in exchange for me catsitting his cat."

"Can you at least come here and get me some water, Bits?"

"I'm sorry, Jack, but Kent's cat, Kit Purrson, is on top of my chest and won't let me leave."

"That doesn't make any sense. Just get up."

"I can't. She's a very intense cat. Why don't you just get off of that horse, Jack?"

"I can't, Bits. I don't know how. With all due respect, a cat sitting on your chest is not remotely the same thing as being stuck up on a horse."

"Would you get off your high horse, Jack?"

"I just said I can't. By the way, isn't the cat's name 'Kent Purrson, Jr.' or something?"

"I don't know, Jack. I have bigger problems to worry about. By the way, Jack, did you try saying, 'Wee'?"

Jack sighed. "Yes, I did, Bits. Nothing happened."

"Did you really say it, you know, out loud, and with feeling?"

"Yes, I said it loudly, at least ten times. Nothing happened." Bitty could tell that Jack was desperate. 

"Well, Jack, I'll think of something. I'll call you later." Bitty hung up. Helping Jack off a horse was turning out to be a much bigger project than he thought. And how was he going to get Kit off of his chest? Chowder entered the room. 

"Hey, Chowder," said Bitty. "Would you help get Kent's cat off my chest?"

"Just a moment, Bitty, there's someone at the door."

Standing at the door was you, the reader. You were going door-to-door selling encyclopedias in what you increasingly suspected was a pyramid scheme, not to mention a bad business model in this day and age. Chowder opened the screen door. "Hello," you said. "My name is--"

"Get the cat!" said Bitty. 

Kit Purrson leaped off Bitty's chest and ran to the open door. At the last moment, Chowder slammed the screen door closed before Kit could exit. Chowder waved goodbye to you. Kit looked up to Chowder and meowed. 

"Thanks, Chowder," said Bitty. He sat and wondered how he was going to get Jack off the horse while at the same time baking the cake for Jack's surprise birthday party. He decided to call Shitty.

"Hey, Shitty, it's Bitty. Are you still in the city? I have to deal with Kent's kitty, who's pretty snitty, while Jack's still stuck on a horse at low velocity and I have to schedule a festivity. Can you help me?"

"The voice mailbox that you have reached is full. Goodbye," said an automated voice. Bitty tried again, and this time Shitty picked up. 

"Hey, Shitty, uh, I'm trying to schedule things and I need your help." 

"Okay," said Shitty.

"So Jack's still stuck on the horse--"

"That's too bad."

"And I'm not sure I have time to both rescue him and bake the cake for his birthday."

"What?!? No! Bitty, we live in a civilized society with division of labor. You need to bake that cake! Your cakes are second only to your pies, your jams, uh, your cupcakes, look, you make a lot of good things. Why don't you bake the cake and I go rescue Jack?"

"No, I want to be the one who rescues Jack," said Bitty. He then had a thought. "Shitty, there might be a way that I can do both, but I'll need some help."

"Getting off of a horse isn't that complicated," said Shitty. "I looked at videos on YouTube. You just bring both legs to the same side, turn around, and slide off. I don't know exactly what's going on here, but I think you're making this way too complicated."

"Uh, okay, but I have a plan--"

"No! Just, I don't know, just send Jack a link to that YouTube video. Then bake the fucking cake! Please."

"Unfortunately, Kent's cat just jumped up on my lap, so I can't get up. It's a long story." 

"That doesn't make any sense. Just pick her up."

"I can't. She's looking at me."

Shitty sighed. "The world is full of trials and tribulations, Bitty."

 

* * *

5.

It was afternoon, and Jack was still on the horse, who was wandering around downtown West Samwell. It was overcast and foggy. 

Off in the distance, he saw a blond guy riding a horse. Could it be Bitty? He steered his horse toward it, but found it was just a bronze statue which the locals called the Horseboy statue because the way the horse and the nude male in the statue were embraced was, um, eyebrow-raising (though the statue was officially known as the Barnside Fountain). Jack sighed. 

Then, off in the distance, Jack saw another blond guy on a horse, and this time it definitely wasn't a statue. In fact, Jack could see that the horse was clearly moving, in fact, galloping toward him. Could it be...?

"Hi, Jack," said Kent, on horseback. "I heard about Bitty."

Jack sighed. "Kent."

"I exposed my Purrson to him, and now he's flat on his back." 

"Kent?!?"

"I mean my cat, Jack. Relax, it's not like I'd just show up and expose my hot body to him." Kent paused. "I mean, not unless we were in the showers." Kent grinned. 

"Kent?"

"Now, okay, we did happen to bump into each other in the showers, but all I did was give him a massage." Kent paused. "You remember the massages I used to give you?"

Jack wondered if there was a way to make his horse eat Kent.

Kent continued. "So, your horse trainer, Shirley, was a bit of an eccentric. She didn't do things the usual way. Instead, she had these code phrases that needed to be said to get the horse to do certain things. I'm guessing your horse is the 'Eat my ass, bitch' horse." 

The horse stopped! Jack felt relieved, even as he still felt like the world was bouncing up and down.

"You look relieved, Jack," said Kent. "It'd be a pity if I said, 'Lick my titties!'"

The horse started walking again! Jack felt anxious. 

"Even worse," said Kent, "would be if I were to say something like, 'munch my coochie!' Then your horse would follow me wherever I went." 

As Kent rode his horse across the street in front of the Horseboy statue, Jack's horse followed. As Kent rode his horse past patios and through the historic part of West Samwell, Jack's horse followed. 

"Hey, Jack. Want to go to a club?"

"What kind of club would allow horses?"

"The kind of club that's open at 3 P.M.!"

Kent, Jack, and their horses approached the entrance to WSW Lounge. Jack could hear the UN-TSS UN-TSS UN-TSS UN-TSS UN-TSS UN-TSS UN-TSS UN-TSS UN-TSS UN-TSS UN-TSS UN-TSS coming from inside. Just then, Jack felt a buzz in his pocket. He took out his phone, and saw that Bitty had texted him a link to a video on how to dismount a horse. 

The bouncer stood in front of the entrance. Kent's horse stopped, and then Jack's horse stopped. Jack sat and watched the video, while Kent slipped off his horse and handed the bouncer a big wad of cash. He then turned to his horse, took off its saddle, and handed it to the bouncer. "I'm going in bareback!" Kent said to Jack. 

Jack, having watched the video and seeing how easily Kent dismounted, slipped off his horse and hit the ground. He stood and stretched, and watched as Kent entered the night club on horseback with Jack's horse following from behind.

 

* * *

Epilogue

The Haus was packed with people for Jack's birthday party, who yelled "Surprise!" when Jack entered with Shitty. They ordered pizza, which was quickly devoured. The cakes were also relished; Shitty made sure he had the second piece, after Jack. As the night went on, gossip spread about Kent Parson, who was in the news for bringing two horses into a local nightclub; the mayor threatened to revoke the club's license. Jack, Bitty, and Shitty managed to keep Jack's misadventure a secret, at least for that night. Kit Purrson was locked in Bitty's room. 

Jack and Bitty exited the house and walked to the curb for some quiet. 

"Bits," said Jack. "Kent mentioned something about the conditions under which you and him met today. Is there something you want to tell me?"

Bitty's eyes bugged open. "Uh, well... he gave me a massage... in the gym shower... with his body pressed up against mine. I realize now that I made a mistake, and I'm sorry, Jack."

"Tell me exactly what he did," said Jack. "How did it start?"

"Well, I was showering, and he entered the shower, we were both naked, he said I seemed tense, and asked if I wanted a massage. I said yes, because I guess I was curious, so anyway, he started rubbing my shoulders with his hands."

"Turn around," said Jack. Bitty turned around, and Jack started rubbing his shoulders. "Did he do it like this?"

"Yeah, basically. Then he said it'd be easier if I were braced up against something, so he suggested my back be braced against his front. Then he rubbed my chest."

"Like this?" said Jack, who brought his chest against Bitty's back and started rubbing his chest.

"Yeah. And then he asked me to catsit his cat."

"Yep, sounds like Kent."

People in front of the Haus were starting to stare at Jack and Bitty. 

"Hey, Bits. If you don't mind being watched by Kent's cat, we can go to your room..."

**Author's Note:**

> I know nothing about horses.


End file.
